Final Goodbyes
by IronicSymphony
Summary: RE-REVISED Blade's final words have more of an impact than he'll ever know...
1. ChapterONE

**FINAL GOODBYES  
Written by Star  
****Chapter One - Not a Night to Die**

In the West the sun shall set  
While in the East the sun shall rise  
While in the west the moon shall rise  
And in the East the moon shall set  
What will rise is that which will set  
And so too does life rise and set...

(Pixie Wings)

It seems a life time ago I last slept in my own bed, but there I was, back under my green blankets. Nothing in this house changed, structurally, it was the house we left before the Argos mission. If only we'd never left...if, I hate that word. Our world is full of ifs', we spend too much time pondering if'. The word if' only means we won't move on, we'll be stuck in the past forever, wondering forever...if'. If you'd never taught me that, Star, I'd never know how futile a word it is...

_A million Stars light  
This beautiful night  
This is not a night to die  
Let me sing and dance  
Beneath the sky_

Since we discovered the moon's secret, I've shied from looking at it. I didn't think the moon could be anything but evil and sinister, but tonight its light is a heavenly glow around a sleeping Goddess. How did I manage to find anyone so damn beautiful, as beautiful on the outside as the inside? I don't know whether to laugh or to cry; how can the luckiest man also be the unluckiest at the same time? I'll have to give you up soon, leave you all alone when we've finally overcome our shyness. Life sucks, that's the only way to say it; first my family's destroyed by Radam who are holding Earth hostage, second, the fate of the planet rests on the shoulders of a twenty-one year old who'd rather lie next to his girlfriend and watch her sleep. Third...will I have the guts to say goodbye to you? I get so angry Star, I just want to lash out at the world and scream, what about me?!', but I know that pounding my fists against a wall or screaming out loud will get me nowhere. I remind myself I have a duty to fulfil, that countless are counting on me...as you are, to give you a future. I just pray I can see your face when I'm fighting the last battle.

_I have such love to give  
To Give!  
I want a chance to live_

I've never been with anyone Star, never loved anyone in a way that would make me think about kids or the future. I realise these words will be of no comfort when I'm gone, but I need you to know how I feel. I've never been any good at expressing how I feel, verbally, I'd screw this up even more than I am now. At least on paper, I can say these things without bumbling and stuttering.

Why didn't you give up on me Star? As though showing your defiance to what would've been best, you stir and tighten your embrace. I should never allowed this, it'll only make it more difficult when I die.

Stop your morbid fascination already and fall asleep... You mumble softly.

You're cute when you're sleepy, you know that? Without thinking, I tighten my own embrace around you and you giggle sleepily. I've tried resisting you, but I can't. I should've known I wouldn't have been able to resist your magical eyes.

_Live  
For the one I love_

I'm not sure what's more frustrating, the fact that I'll die soon, or the fact that I've accepted it. If I could lie in your warmth and do nothing else, I'd die happily and my life would be complete. What's my morbid obsession with destiny, Star? You wouldn't understand, no matter how hard you try or how much you love me. How can I explain how I feel? I know, without question that my next battle will my last; even if I defeat my brother...

_Love  
As no one has loved_

Destiny can wait. I'll make it wait for me as long as I can so long as I'm here with you. So long as I'm looking at you, holding you or making love to you; you'll be my thoughts and not destiny. For now, while we're here in a world free from the scars of time, I'll be the man you want me to be, give you the attention you deserve to receive, worship you as I should've long ago. I'm tired - I've fought enough. Maybe, just maybe my memory will grace me the memory of these final and sweetest days - the love we shared, your strength, your courage. And maybe, just maybe, I can free the world for you.

_Give  
Asking nothing in return_

There is no point in mourning for what you cannot change, embrace what you can and move forward. Shed your tears, but live on my love; live the life I could not. I could never rest peacefully knowing you could not enjoy what I fought to preserve. Remember me, but move on. Love is gift that can come in many forms - I know you'll always love me, but you're still young; too young to give up. Mourn for me; find solace knowing we'll be reunited. Know in your heart that this is the truth, and that I wait for that day.

_I'll love, until love wears me away  
I'll die, and I know my love will stay  
And I know my love will stay_

...TO BE CONTINUED

AN

Artist - Tina Arena  
Song Used - Live (for the one I love)

DISCLAIMER

Tekkaman Blade/Teknoman and its characters are the property of Tatsunoko. The author of Final Goodbyes has written this for pure enjoyment, not money making purposes. All original characters are the property of the author.


	2. ChapterTWO

**FINAL GOODBYES  
Written by Star  
Chapter Two - The Last Carter**

Remember yesterday; think of tomorrow, but live today.

(anon)

She's not been gone a week and the dust gathers already.

Drawing the curtains to allow the setting sun's light in, watching morbidly as dancing dust particles lay claim to more of her room. So many memories confined to this room, tears, laughter and in-between. So many photos in this room, throughout this house...had she feared forgetting their faces? There were very few of my parents together that even suggested they were a couple, even fewer that proved it, but I would study each and every one.

The beauty of my family home tries to compete with the emptiness I feel; a beautiful autumn day marred by the funeral of my Mother. Even the strongest bear fragile memory, my Mother was no exception - she who survived Radam in a desperate war, the loss of her lover and raising his child alone. My children play in the distance, trapped blissfully in their ignorant youth; do I have the strength to live up to my parents' legacy?

I've proven myself against Radam, and the malcontent fanatics; what now?

The gentle yet firm hand of my Mother for had guided my life so long, even with children of my own. I still feel like a child in so many ways, incomplete for some reason. Perhaps because even on a day like today, I still feel left out. The great conspiracy that's haunted me all my life - everyone seemed to know my Father and pitied me; knowing I never did. They could remember him, but I would never have memories of my own. Almost everyone who spoke today, spoke too about her relationship with my Father, how she must be at peace because they're together...blah blah blah. I guess people try to romanticize death to alleviate their pain.

.oOo.

The closest thing I've ever had to a father sits in Mom's favourite chair, and looks as lost as I feel.

_"Can you be my Daddy?"_

He loved her, loves her still; I was too young to understand the glances, the stolen exchange of confused hearts. Though autumn's chill is young, it bites at our skin buried below layers of warm clothing. I sit next to Ringo and warm my hands by the fire.

"I can't believe she's gone."

"Yeah," I sigh, stoking the fire. "How are you holding up?"

"I always thought she'd outlive us all." Ringo's voice wavers as he rubs his eyes. I can feel the tears daring to drop from my eyes, and excuse myself from the room.

.oOo.

After losing my Father, Mom went on to continue his dream and became the Space Knight Commander after Jamison faded from the photos. I'm sure Father was the motivation behind her transformation into the Red Tekkaman, the fierce and able protector of _'The Dream'_. Radam had no hope when they arrived to claim Earth.

I was fifteen, and remember it well.

Their fleet had been discovered behind Pluto as they attacked _Beyond Solar_, an outpost for exploring beyond the solar system. Something the Space Knights fought against, deeming the risk of a future attack too high to warrant exploring the dangerously unknown. I was ushered into the control room and watched as Mom glared at the monitor, her eyes narrowed and glowing strangely. The base shook suddenly and sirens went off; Radam had breeched the atmosphere somehow. A strange sensation shot up my spine, and my hand grew hot...I'd never seen such fear in my Mother's eyes before.

"Nick?" She whispered; her eyes widening as she stared at my right hand.

Even stranger than the transformation that dared to happen in that room, was the disappearance of Radam that happened the moment my crystal materialised.

Mom arranged for a special training facility but refused my presence in the field until I was eighteen. The three years leading up to Radam's next attempt were scarred with battles with various tribes of fanatics, believing that Radam would save them from humanity's self destruction. I watched Mom give some chances, retribution to others; massacre to the returning Radam. My chance finally came; I was ready for the responsibility, but not for the reaction of the public. Everywhere we turned: Ghost or Fraud? What the hell do the media know? They feed off misery and fabricate facts, unconcerned with the feelings of others.

While I despised the attention I received, Mom found it amusing.

"I daresay you're tired of hearing it, but the two of you are more alike than you know; just don't start sulking in shadows or the photographers won't get a shot the girls can swoon over."

.oOo.

"I admire her for so many reasons, by her loyalty was one of the most frustrating."

So lost in my memories, I didn't even hear Ringo enter the room. Here was the man that raised me as a son, but I could do nothing but stare at him. Doubts that burned my insides for so long swipe at my tongue, the questions form and are finally given voice to.

"Did you ever resent him? My Father?"

"Until you were born, Blade was the only man I would ever say I loved; he was the brother I never had." He sighed, seeming grateful for the opportunity to unleash the answers at last. "Blade, with the exception of your Mother, was one I'd ever trust completely."

_Man_ and _love_ aren't usually associated in a conversation with Ringo. I sat down on Mom's bed as a grimace appeared on his face; he flinched and declined the offer to sit.

"Until Blade arrived on the scene, I thought I was the only man Star loved, albeit platonic love."

I listened as he recounted stories from their youth, the awkwardness of their adolescence and their baptism by fire into adulthood. Many of the tales were new to my ears; I'd never known Mom to dwell too much on the past.

"I often wonder if he resented me..."

"You and Mom?" I gasped.

"As a father to you, Nick." He replies quickly. Uneasy, he stands up and looks around the room. "You called me Dad once, remember? You were three..." He trails off, lost in the memory. "I've never wanted to take that from Blade, but I'm grateful if we ever had that sort of relationship; you and I."

"I'm lucky to have you in my life." I mumble awkwardly, we've had our share of man-to-man talks, but these kind of conversations were normally reserved for my Mother. "I've always respected you and thankful to have you as my Dad all these years."

Ringo's grin spreads, nodding as though he knew it all along; I'm sure he needed to hear it on a day like today. He opened his mouth to say more, when my twins burst through the door.

"Gramma? Gramma?" The twins cried in unison.

"Sorry love, they just stormed up here; I'm losing my touch." Natasha sighed, rubbing her back. "Are you feeling any better, Ringo?"

"Happy to see my favourite twins!" Ringo exclaimed as the girls giggled. My little Princess', or Devils...depending on the hour. "How much longer until the next one's born?"

"Not long now," Natasha smiles softly.

.oOo.

Leaving Natasha to rest, Ringo and I take the girls outside.

"I've got something to give you." Ringo blurts as we inch closer to the Carter Plot.

"It's not another condom, is it? Honestly, that joke's getting old." I reply slyly, a memory so vivid paints a grin on my lips.

"Maybe I should give it to Natasha then, or she'll be asking you for a vasectomy." He laughs as I cross my legs. "No, what I'm about to give belongs to you." He mumbles, placing an old envelope in my hands gently. "I'll leave you to it."

I find the girls talking to Mom's grave, but I can't bear to watch for long. The pain is still too fresh, like the earth around her tombstone. Crouching by Father's grave, I pull out the stray weeds daring to grow. As usual, melancholy comes back to haunt me as I remember the many hours lying here talking to it, pretending he could talk to me, comfort me if I ever needed it.

"Daddy, please tell Gramma to come back! We'll be good, we promise!"

"We promise not to play dress-ups with her uniform..."

"Or use her lipsticks..."

"Please Daddy, we miss her stories!"

"Stories about Grappa!"

How do you explain to five year-olds about death? That it wasn't anything they did or said, but that it was just a part of life.

"Your Grandmother was very tired, girls, she worked very hard and needed to rest. She slept for a long time, and dreamt of all the people she loved..."

"Can we go and wake her up?" My oldest definitely has her Grandmother's forthright charms.

"What happened in Gramma's dream?" My youngest asked, climbing up on my lap.

"In her dream, she dreamed of all people she loved; Grandpa was there, Mommy and I were there, Uncle Ringo was there and of course, you two were there." I paused, delighting in their giggles. "She was soaring with the Angels, but missed us very much. She wanted to be with all of us, and asked if she could. She'd worked so hard all her life, her wish was granted and was turned into a beautiful Angel..."

"So she could always be there if we needed her..."

"Daddy! Gramma used to say that about Grappa!"

"Is Gramma with Grappa now?"

"Yes, and we have to be happy for her. If we aren't, she won't be happy and won't have happy dreams."

"Will Gramma have a nightmare?"

Here I have a wonderful family, my perfect (unless screaming at me) wife, two beautiful daughters and another child on the way. The new generation grow stronger as the old pass into memory. I must now be like my Mother and be grateful for what I have, not bitter about what I don't.

.oOo.

Finally after years of wanting, wishing and waiting, he finally me in my need. His words of comfort were intended for Mom, and it's obvious she sought it often. I read, and reread it, soaking up his handwriting, his thoughts...

_Love is gift that can come in many forms..._

Back to the question I ask and am asked so often - what now? The Space Knights have been my past, present and future for so long, do I dare a life without it? Even with all the wealth behind me, I'd go (and drive my wife) crazy if I decided to give in to the Couch Potato that lingers in my heart. No, I have a responsibility to my children to secure their future.

Until that unknown and inevitable day when I can finally meet my Father, I will always be a Space Knight.

**...To be continued**


	3. ChapterTHREE

**FINAL GOODBYES  
Written by Star  
Chapter Three - A Reason to Fight on**

...Our lives will come and go  
Coming with the rising of the sun  
And setting with the coming of the moon  
Our lives come and go with time  
Just as many have come and gone before us  
And this cycle will go on  
For many, many years to come

(Pixie Wings)

A slight breeze ruffled the growing hair of the melancholy young woman, staring blankly out to sea. Sorrow nestled itself deep in her heart that she nurtured with no desire to dispose of, despite the efforts of those around her. The wind grew stronger and her hair danced wildly, but her eyes remained unfocused upon the sea. She leaned back into the giant tree that protected the gravestones and plaques from sunlight.

The earth swallowed him whole, descending to his final rest. His mortal flame flickered and glows no more. His shadow cast, she stumbles and falls.

.oOo.

"It's getting cold."

She remains silent, her eyes never wavering from the stone, bearing his name.

"Please Star, this isn't easy for me either." Ringo's voice breaks, and she finally turns around. "Come inside." He pleads.

Star continues to stare, unshed tears bright in her dark eyes. Even for the victorious, there is no glory; loved ones are left to carry on alone, or else pick up pieces that may never be whole again. War, the relentless juggernaut that cared not for broken hearts and righteous wishes.

She saw his eyes in every green leaf, savoured his fading scent upon her pillow, and cried for the love that was hers for so short a time. It had been about survival for so long, would she survive a broken heart?

.oOo.

Waiting for Death…it was the last thing she expected to hear. Her shrinking world expanded slowly, stomach swelling with life created. Star marvelled daily at every kick, turn and shiver. Suddenly the world was full of colour again, and she prayed that her child would be the image of its father. Her heart was full now that there was something worth living for and she was blissfully distracted by the life growing inside her; as the longing that stirred in Ringo's eyes closed his heart to all others.

She loved him from the moment they placed him screaming on her stomach. Her son, the image of his father, closed her heart to all others.

.oOo.

"Was Daddy a strong man?" The young boy asks his mother.

"Very strong, and very brave." Star replied, gazing lovingly into her son's dark green eyes, welcoming him into her arms.

"Why did he die?"

Star froze, unsure of how to answer. She was saved, as she had so often before, by her faithful friend.

"I bet you've never had a hot chocolate with three marshmallows in it before, have you, Nick?" Ringo offers.

"THREE?" Nick squeals. "Thank you Uncle Ringo, you're the best!"

Marshmallows consumed and hot chocolate quenching the young boy's questions, Nick runs off to play. An inquisitive child that rarely misses a thing, he is in the advanced reading class.

"He's a cute kid." Ringo sighs.

"You're biased." Star chuckles.

Silence both uneasy and welcome settles between them. They'd been fighting lately; Ringo had broken up with another girlfriend after he put Nick's interests first. He'd been short with Star, frustrated with her stubborn desire to ignore the situation between them. However he couldn't help it, he loved her and the child.

Increasingly aware of the tension between them, Star tried and failed many times to articulate her thoughts. She loved Ringo too much to deceive him; it was Blade's embrace she wanted.

Ringo would never leave; Star would never ask him to.

.oOo.

Years pass, preparations are made and the rumours fly. With Ringo's refusal to commit to another woman, tabloids place the blame with the Space Knight Commander. Star mustered her courage when forced to endure innuendo through important meetings.

All the while, her son continued to grow into a confident man. With wild black hair and mischievous green eyes, Nick quickly becomes every bit the hero his father was.

Star knew he would never belong to her forever, but she'd lived for him longer than she realised and dreaded his wedding day. Her anguish was soon forgotten, as his bride was pregnant and it wasn't long before Nick presented her twin granddaughters.

.oOo.

Life became calm, and disconcerting for her. The next generation of Space Knights had been so well trained, they'd begun to train others and she felt obsolete. Without anything of dire importance to occupy her time, Star dwelled on memories of her long dead lover. What had she seen in his eyes that touched her so deeply? What had his soul whispered to hers that she couldn't hear now?

"You'll never let him go, will you?" A deep voice asked. "I've known you all these years…" It didn't take him long to find her; she'd taken to watching the sunset out on the veranda.

"Ringo…"

"_Loved_ you all these years, loved Nick like my own…" He interrupted. Ringo was determined to give this one last go before giving up forever. Star wasn't the only one feeling the sting of progress.

Star watched in horror as his eyes swelled with emotion; what had she done? Her brave, arrogant, loyal friend, and she'd hurt him deeper than any weapon ever could. The yearning she'd ignored for years suddenly sung louder than any wailing siren.

"I've been such a fool," She whispered, ending the unspoken endearment as she crushed her lips against his. Best friend became lover, and a flame long extinguished was reignited as the night wore on.

When it was over, both breathless and spent, at last rewarded with a blissful sleep.

.oOo.

Star heard the Warrior's call sometime in the night and answered, without rhyme or reason. She felt something in her bones, her senses screaming of a dangerous presence. Ringo stirred, but fell back into blissful dreams as Star kissed his cheek.

As she flew away, the irony wasn't lost on her; she'd fled to her death without so much as a glance over her shoulder, just as Blade had so many years ago.

.oOo.

Nick's frantic face hovers above her, he screams, he panics and knows it will do no good. In the distance, Star's foe lies in pieces and her son is furious; Dead End was his responsibility, not hers!

"Shh, baby…" She croons softly. Her strength was waning, pain, fading. Nick cries out as she coughs up more blood. He could see from her wounds that it wouldn't be long.

"I want you to stay…" He weeps. "I need you…"

Trying and failing to wipe his tears away, Star resigns herself to smile at her distraught son. She was too weak to feel guilty that her son found her bleeding on the battleground…

"You have made my life worth living." I whisper. "Everything you've done…everything you do…I'm proud of you…"

"I love you, Mom…" His cries fade.

.oOo.

Her hand falls limp and she's somehow aware that there's a new journey waiting for her. Wondering what will happen next, she stares sadly as her son clutches her lifeless body. Another life, she thinks, and marvels at how light she feels as a bright light embraces her.

As the light begins to fade, Star finds she is no longer alone. A stranger reaches out to her, his green eyes warm and bidding her to take his hand.

"I've been waiting for you, what took you so long?"

...The End

AN

This is the last, re-revised version of Final Goodbyes! I've finally got the chapters the way I wanted them and taken out unnecessary bits of story. I hope you enjoyed this version, if you've read the original...let me know what you think


	4. Not a Night to Die

((Final Goodbyes)) 

_«_Chapter One_»_

In the West the sun shall set  
While in the East the sun shall rise  
While in the west the moon shall rise  
And in the East the moon shall set  
What will rise is that which will set  
And so too does life rise and set...

(Pixie Wings)

It seems a life time ago I last slept in my own bed, but there I was, back under my green blankets. Nothing in this house changed, structurally, it was the house we left before the Argos mission. If only we'd never left...if, I hate that word. Our world is full of ifs', we spend too much time pondering if'. The word if' only means we won't move on, we'll be stuck in the past forever, wondering forever...if'. If you'd never taught me that, Star, I'd never know how futile a word it is...

_A million stars light  
This beautiful night  
This is not a night to die  
Let me sing and dance  
Beneath the sky_

Since we discovered the moon's secret, I've shied from looking at it. I didn't think the moon could be anything but evil and sinister, but tonight its light is a heavenly glow around a sleeping Goddess. How did I manage to find anyone so damn beautiful, as beautiful on the outside as the inside? I don't know whether to laugh or to cry; how can the luckiest man also be the unluckiest at the same time? I'll have to give you up soon, leave you all alone when we've finally overcome our shyness. Life really sucks, that's the only way to say it; first my family's destroyed by Radam who are holding Earth hostage, second, the fate of the planet rests on the shoulders of a twenty-one year old who'd rather lie next to his girlfriend and watch her sleep. Third...will I have the guts to say goodbye to you? I get so angry Star, I just want to lash out at the world and scream, what about me?!', but I know that pounding my fists against a wall or screaming out loud will get me nowhere. I remind myself I have a duty to fulfil, that countless are counting on me...you're counting on me to give you a future. I just pray I can see your face when I'm fighting the last battle.

_I have such love to give  
To Give!  
I want a chance to live_

I've never been with anyone Star, never loved anyone in a way that would make me think about kids or the future. I realise these words will be of no comfort when I'm gone, but I need you to know how I feel. I've never been any good at expressing how I feel, verbally, I'd screw this up even more than I am now, but at least on paper, I can say these things without bumbling and stuttering. 

Why didn't you give up on me Star? As though showing your defiance to what would've been best, you stir and tighten your embrace. I should never allowed this, it'll only make it more difficult when I die.

Stop your morbid fascination already and fall asleep... 

You're cute when you're sleepy, you know that? Without thinking, I tighten my own embrace around you and you giggle sleepily. I've tried resisting you, but I can't. I should've known I wouldn't have been able to resist your magicial eyes.

_Live  
For the one I love_

I'm not sure what's more frustrating, the fact that I'll die soon, or the fact that I've accepted it. If I could lie in your warmth and do nothing else, I'd die happily and my life would be complete. What's my morbid obsession with destiny, Star? You wouldn't understand, no matter how hard you try or how much you love me. How can I explain how I feel? I know, without question that my next battle will my last; even if I defeat my brother...

_Love  
As no one has loved_

Destiny can wait. I'll make it wait for me as long as I can so long as I'm here with you. So long as I'm looking at you, holding you or making love to you; you'll be my thoughts and not destiny. For now, while we're here in a world free from the scars of time, I'll be the man you want me to be, give you the attention you deserve to receive, worship you as I should've long ago. I'm tired - I've fought enough. Maybe, just maybe my memory will grace me the memory of these final and sweetest days - the love we shared, your strength, your courage. And maybe, just maybe, I can free the world for you.

_Give  
Asking nothing in return_

There is no point in mourning for what you cannot change, embrace what you can and move forward. Shed your tears, but live on my love; live the life I could not. I could never rest peacefully knowing you could not enjoy what I fought to preserve. Remember me, but move on. Love is gift that can come in many forms - I know you'll always love me, but you're still young darling; too young to give up. Mourn for me, but not for long; we will be reunited. Know in your heart that this is the truth, and that I wait for that day. 

_I'll love, until love wears me away  
I'll die, and I know my love will stay  
And I know my love will stay_

_«Owari»_

::Authors note::

Lyrics are from Tina Arena's Live (for the one I love)


	5. The Last Carter

DISCLAIMER: Legal blah blah blah, no, I don't own them - Saban Entertainment and Tatsunoko are the owners of Tekkaman Blade, the characters (except for the ones that belong to ME) belong to them.

FINAL GOODBYES

Written by Star  
E-mail: [star_aki@hotmail.com][1]

***********************

Part 2 ~ THE LAST CARTER

***********************

"Remember yesterday, think of tomorrow, but live today."

October 3, 2118, a beautiful autumn day. With the richness of my surroundings, I should be appreciating its true beauty. Standing by the ocean, resting against the tree that overlooks my family home, I feel nothing but emptiness. As if the Earth feels my pain, it sends a cool, yet surprisingly warm breeze. It doesn't do any good. How can it help? Today we layed my mother to rest, next to her one and only true love. 

Yes, I shed tears - who wouldn't. My mother was such a strong woman. After my father died, she continued on like he said. I wish I knew him but he died before I was born. Mom often said, 'The only reason I continue to live, is to see you grow up to be the man your father was. You just being here makes me happy, honey.' I often wondered if I would ever grow up to be like Dad - a man I never knew. 

It seems everyone knew him. Everyone that is, except me, his son. I never got the chance to know him, talk to him; it annoys me that absolute strangers can talk about their experiences with him. They know more about my own father than I do. Admiration is always in their voices whenever they discuss the man that is my father, pain when they talk about Mom. Your poor mother, how is she? It's so sad, to think that she lost her love when they had their entire lives in front of them. She's had such a tough life, but she's a strong woman because of it. A young single mother, raising the child borne of such a special and beautiful love, how proud she must be of you. 

He's sitting in Mom's chair, the one by the fire - he just looks lost. The closest thing I have to a father, he was Mom's best friend, and I know he wanted to be more but Mom still loved my dead father. I can remember asking him, Are you my Daddy? I also remember the pained look in Mom's eyes when I said that. Painfully evident in his, too. There was so much in his eyes, such torment and passion. My mother was either oblivious or chose to ignore this.

You know Nick, I just can't believe she's gone.

Yeah, it is hard to grasp. How you doing Uncle Ringo? 

Well, to be honest Nick...

Don't worry forget I asked.

***********************

In her room, on her bed, I sit. Just remembering her - her smile, her voice, just her. I remember how hard it was for people to make her laugh, and how she would try to hide it. I was the only who could make her laugh - really laugh, not a fake laugh. I remember her melancholy moods and how she would stare at the photo of the original Space Knights, and hatefully at the full moon. I remember the Halloween my voice finally cracked, and I wore Dad's uniform - the uniform of Teknoman Blade the Space Knight. She stared wistfully at me - I know I look like him. The same height, build, black hair, green eyes...there was a time I wish I didn't, because I thought it made her sad, but then she told me, Don't be ashamed to look like your father, and don't ever believe that looking at you gets me upset, honey. Yes, you look like you handsome father, but that makes me happy, because I know that he will always be with me, through you. I will always love you because you are my son, but also, because Blade lives through you. His life was not lived in vain. I remember, the song she would sing to me, 'Bold Soldier Boy', before putting me to sleep when I was very young. I couldn't understand how she could look so beautiful and sad at the same time, it seemed unfair. She would look so sad whenever she opened her photo album - her war album'. Most of the pictures were either of her and Uncle Ringo joking around, or of Dad. At the end of the album were a few pictures of Mom and Dad together, anyone could see how much he loved her even though she would tell me that he tried to deny it to protect her. 

Mom went on to continue Dad's dream, she became the Space Knight's Commander after Jamison faded from the photos. She even became a Teknoman to help. A Teknoman of red and gold; the avenging archangel of loyalty. When the Radam landed on Earth for the first time in twenty years - years ago now, she took all her rage out on them. Poor bastards, I felt sorry for them...only a little. They'd taken something from me too.

When I was fifteen, the alien fleet was discovered behind Pluto and attacked one of the space stations. Then, the strangest thing happened to me, a crystal materialised in the palm of my hand! I thought I was going crazy, but when I showed Mom the crystal, she just smiled and looked at the picture hanging on the wall - Dad as Teknoman Blade. What even surprised me more, was that I had the same emerald crystal as him! Mom later told me, that she had theorised that the Teknoprocess can become hereditary. So not only was I to look like my father, I was to fight like him too! It was a little weird at the beginning, but I cope with it very well now. Mom didn't let any of the higher-ups find out about my little secret until the Radam landed on earth. I was eighteen; the same age Dad was when he started his fight with the aliens. Only, I had an advantage Dad never had, I didn't have any brother's to kill to protect the Earth; nor witness my sister's death. I still couldn't get over those details of 'Dad's War'. What would that do to a person?

I remember the first day I transformed outside of the special training ground Mom and Uncle Ringo had built inside the Command Centre; when I flew into battle, everyone thought that I was Blade; back from the dead to protect the Earth once more. Spooky thought, a ghost killing off aliens. Whenever I looked at my beautiful mother, I saw the pride and happiness, but a touch of sorrow in her beautiful face. Even so, she would smile one of those amazing smiles and I have to admit, it was for those smiles I continued to fight. In honour of my father, my codename was Blade. For some strange reason I have yet to understand, Mom would call me Phoenix. I guess I'll never know now. 

I didn't like everyone fussing over me. People always fussed over me because I'm Blade's Son', but even more so when I started fighting the aliens. You're more like your father than I ever could've dreamed. He hated all the attention too. He always used to say I m nobody special, I'm just doing what anyone would do if they were in my position'. He could never understand it either nor did he want too. Mom was always saying something like that. She was so understanding, no wonder Dad depended on her so much. I admit though, I must have had an easier experience with the Radam than Dad must have had. The Earth was so prepared this time, mind you, we had years to do that. In 2087, Earth never even knew life existed anywhere else until giant spidercrabs started to tear up the planet. I never, out of desperation, had to take an evolutionary process that would eventually kill me. Thankfully, I didn't have to kill any members of my family either, not that I had any other blood family members. How did Dad do it? 

I often wonder what life would've been like if he'd lived on. Dad seemed to have more lives than a cat, why couldn't he just live on a little longer? Mom would've smiled a hell of a lot more, and gone to bed without crying herself to sleep. Maybe Uncle Ringo would've been able to move on and find someone else instead of pining over a woman too loyal to move on, even from a dead love. There was always something inside me that wished she could let go of Dad's memory, and find happiness with Uncle Ringo - anything would've been better than to see her the way she was. Whenever I look at the pictures of Mom growing up with Uncle Ringo, or hear stories of those times, I often wonder what happened to that bright little Star - always appearing so mischievous. That's dumb, of course I understand why she was like that. If my wife ever died, I'd just want to follow... 

You know Nick, I admire your mother for her loyalty. Your Dad was one lucky fella. More so if he'd stayed alive.

Uncle Ringo, have you ever resented my Father?

Blade...was the brother I never had. Sure, he captured the heart of the only woman I loved, but no, I never have nor ever will hate him. Star was the type of woman to go down with the ship; she was the epitome of loyalty. Still trying to figure out what type of man your father was, hey?

Yeah. Everyone says you can't miss what you've never had, but...

It ain't always true. I often wonder if Blade resented me taking his place.

But, you and Mom never...

As a father to you, Nick.

He looks uneasy and stands up wiping invisible dust from his pants.

You've never called me Dad and I've never wanted to take that away from Blade, but I've always felt that you and I had that sort of Father-Son relationship.

Yeah, you're right. I wonder if Mom knew that too...

I wonder if that ever made her resent me?

Mom wasn't exactly the type of woman to hide her true feelings, if you pissed her off, you'd know about it for sure.

Yeah...heh...boy, did she let it rip sometimes. I'm sorry you never knew Blade, you two are like peas in a pod, you and your Dad. You look so much like him it's incredible, not to mention his temper...I know where you get that from."

"I always thought I had Mom's temper..."

"No chance! You have Blade's temper, for sure. Star, the pressure would build up like a volcano...and erupt violently. Blade, well, let's just say that he like you just need one thing to tick him off, you wouldn't want to get in his hair on a bad day. Joking aside, he was a great man and would've made a great father.

Yeah, I wonder what it would've been like to have him around. It's an interesting thought; him teaching me to shave instead of Uncle Ringo; him playing ball with me, him and Mom instructing me together with my martial arts; him in battle with me as well as Mom...this type of talk does nobody good. I've got to concentrate on the future, got to continue what my parents started. Still, you can't help but wonder what life would've been like.

Maybe, she wouldn't have been such a cold woman - not to me, but to others. She was the most respected woman on the face of the planet, no one dared to fuck with my mother - she'd kill them. Not a bad role model to grow up with, though I had many. Whenever I look back at the videos of the first Radam war, I see Mom as a totally different person; she was emotional with everyone, especially when it came to Dad, very open with what she thought and felt, smiling hopefully all the time, keeping the team's morale up. Though one thing remained constant; her strong will and determination. It's just a shame that the beautiful young woman that was Star Summers, was sacrificed because of a lost love...

Don't even try to piece your mother together Nick, you'll give yourself a migraine.

***********************

Daddy!! Daddy!! Where's gramma?

Yeah Daddy! Where's Gramma?

Sorry Nick, they just stormed right up here, they must've thought they were here to see Star...oh...Good afternoon Ringo, are you feeling any better?

No, but I'll be up and about soon enough. How are my favourite twins today, hmm? My, my, Shara, your hair has grown! 

I'm Miisha, Unca Ringo.

Oh dear, I seemed to have lost my ability with beautiful women. Excuse me, Miisha, your hair has grown!

Thankyou Unca Ringo.

"What about my hair Unca Ringo?"

"Absolutely beautiful, Shara!" Little devil, smiling wickedly like that. Boy am I gonna need a gun when she starts dating!

Fine young girls Nick. How much longer until the next one's born?

Not long now. How are you feeling now Natasha? 

Don't worry about me love, I'll be fine." Liar, I know your back's aching, that's why you're rubbing it. "So what are your plans now Ringo?

Well, I guess I'll take Star's place at the base, but I don't think there's gonna be much Radam activity now. Not after the last war with them.

Yeah, we snuffed em out good. Well, you are free to keep living here Uncle Ringo.

I don't want to feel like a burden...

Ringo, the girls' grandmother was just taken away from them, are you going to take the only grandfather they've known?

I'm not really their grandfather. You really should let your old man meet his granddaughters, Natasha.

Star knew not to bug me about my father, Ringo, don't be a pain in the ass.

***********************

I turn off after awhile, and I take the girls outside to see their grandparents graves again; one they knew and loved, the other they knew only through stories and images. They sit by Mom's grave and talk' to her. I stand a little distance back, just so I can see both of my parents' graves. As usual, that wistful feeling comes back to haunt me that always does when I stand by Dad's grave. When I was growing up, I'd sit out here and pretend he was here, that he could talk to me, tell me all the comforting things that I needed to hear. If things ever got rough for me, I'd imagine he'd be able to make it all go away. I used to pretend that he'd just jump out of his grave and return like a triumphant hero; he never did. My eyes just mist when I look at Mom's. A yearning so strong that I can't describe floods my body, but I break out of my trance, thanks to my little girls. 

Daddy, please tell Gramma to come back! We'll be good little girls. We promise not to play dress-ups anymore with her uniform, or use her lipstick as lightsabres...please Daddy! We want to hear her stories! A story about Grappa again!

How do you explain to five-year-olds about death? That it wasn't anything they did or said, but that's just the way life was. Then I remembered one of Mom's stories of how Dad turned into a spirit to watch over me. For the girls, I changed the spirit to Gramma'. 

Gramma was very tired, girls, she worked very hard and needed a sleep. Because she was so tired, she slept for a long time. In this sleep, she dreamt of all the people she loved... 

Why don't you just wake her up Daddy? Miisha definitely had her Grandmother's inquisitive nature. 

Wake up Gramma! Wake up! I wish it was just that simple Shara, but it's not. I pick her up from Mom's grave and sit down with the two girls on my lap.

What happened in Gramma's dream? Miisha and Shara's identical faces stare back at me. 

In her dreams, she dreamed of all the people she loved; Grandpa Blade was there, you both, your Mother, I was there and so was Uncle Ringo. Up in the clouds, she soared with God's Angels, but missed us. She wanted to be with all of us and asked if she could, always. Because she had worked so hard, her wish was granted and was turned into an Angel...

So she could always be there if we needed her, Daddy! Gramma used to say that about Grappa!

Is Gramma with Grappa now, Daddy?

Yes, and we have to be happy for her, okay girls? If we aren't happy for Gramma, she won't be happy, and won't have happy dreams.

Will Gramma have a nightmare?

My two girls, where would I be today if not for them? Thanks to my Mom, my children will grow up knowing their mother and father. I should be happy for Mom; she's with Dad now, although I do feel sorry for Uncle Ringo. His life certainly didn't turn out the way he would've wanted. For Mom, I'll be content with the way she lived her life. She was unhappy, but she continued on after Dad died, raised me and lived through another nightmare of spidercrabs and alien Teknomen. I have so much more than Mom did when Dad died, I have to remember that, but, she was my mother and I'll always miss her. Yet, Mom wouldn't really want me to pine away for her and neglect my family. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to the idea of not having her with me anymore. That makes me feel sick just by saying that, but, I'm just going to have to pick myself up and live my life; watch my kids grow. I'll stay affiliated with the Space Knights; it is after all, in my blood. Natasha and I will watch our grandchildren grow, and tell them our own stories; our parents stories. An endless cycle, is there any end? 

Uncle Ringo comes out and gives me a letter he said Mom wanted me to have. He looks very depressed lost. I thank him and he goes inside, saying...

This letter should be read alone, not with some old coot of a messenger standing over your shoulder. I hope whatever's inside helps you find some peace.

I'd be lucky if anything would. I know I have so much here, a loving wife, two beautiful daughters, another child on the way, a future...but life just won't be the same without Mom, she is a huge reason we can enjoy peace. One by one, they drop like flies. Soon, none of them will be left. It all started with Dad's death, then Jamison's, Tina's, now Mom...not many of the original 'Spidercrab Extermination Team' left now. Earth's heroes are fading...soon just a distant memory...

***********************

Nick, honey, what's wrong? What are you reading?

Something Dad must've written to Mom before he died. I choke out. My wife looks sympathetic of course, knowing I'm hurting something terrible. Natasha comes to embrace me and I feel our child move and amazement takes control of me. Dad's words return. I wonder if Dad ever imagined the great impact of his words? Could he have known that his words would ease people's pain, caused by death? I wonder if he knew his words would help his own son, a son he didn't know would be born? No, how could he? Amazing though, that Dad could help me, without even knowing me, twenty-eight years after his death. Okay Dad, I'll shed my tears and remember Mom, I'll let her rest peacefully. I know you'll take care of her, and she'll tell you all about me. 

Natasha and I watch the setting of the sun; I think of all our tomorrows. I promise Natasha that we'll watch all the sunsets from now on, together, knowing who else is watching them at the moment. I smile as I feel the soothing warmth in the breeze - I just know that it's Mom telling me I'm right. I know she's happy, so I'm happy. 

One day, we'll all be reunited. I wait for that day too.

~End part 2

   [1]: mailto:star_aki@hotmail.com



	6. A Reason To Fight On

((Final Goodbyes)) 

_«_Chapter Three_»_

...Our lives will come and go  
Coming with the rising of the sun  
And setting with the coming of the moon  
Our lives come and go with time  
Just as many have come and gone before us  
And this cycle will go on   
For many, many years to come

(Pixie Wings)

A slight breeze ruffled the growing hair of the melancholy young woman, staring blankly out to sea. Sorrow nestled itself deep in her heart which she nurtured with no desire to dispose of, despite the efforts of those around her. The wind grew stronger and her hair danced wildly, but her eyes remained unfocused upon the sea. She leaned back into the giant tree that protected the graves stones and plaques from sunlight.

Star! Are you out here? The young woman didn't flinch at the sound of her friend calling out to her. She couldn't give a damn. 

How am I to find my way through the dark without my guiding light?  
I always felt that you were the one who lit the dark path for me  
but fate is cruel and unkind  
We found love at a time, when there was none  
We both wandered in the dark, found each other   
too late to enjoy what limited time was left;  
My love, I wait for the day we find ourselves again - reunited in the eternal world  
To enjoy what we could not before,  
I pray that that day is soon;  
I stand alone in the timeless bitter wind of loneliness 

Ringo ran as fast as he could with a walking stick; damn his knee! His worried blue eyes searched frantically for his friend, as she wasn't in her normal sitting spot. Normally, she'd sit out by the deck, watching the sunset...he could've kicked himself. Of course she wouldn't be there today, not today...

We gather here to remember the great sacrifice of one Nick Carter, otherwise known as the Teknoman, Blade. It is because of this young man's brave and heroic gesture that we may continue on to live freely. His tormented life story is a flame of hope for us all; against all odds, he succeeded. Those who knew him are blessed with a special flame, the flame of remembrance - the flame of love. Remember and rejoice in his salvation from this brutal world, his soul can now sing freely instead of howling in pain. Rest young hero, and God bless.

The earth swallows him whole  
As he descends to his final rest,  
A rest well earned;  
It is the ungrateful earth which I despise so  
My shining light is no more  
His mortal flame flickered,  
And glows no more;  
A shadow is cast, I stumble and fall

Nick Blade' Carter  
May 15th, 2069 ~ October 1st, 2090  
Saviour of Earth  
Mortal body; Immortal legacy  
Your body rests, your memory lives on.

I can't believe it, I don't want to believe you're gone Blade. You never even gave me the chance to say goodbye...

Star, it's getting...cold...Star? 

Go away Ringo, just go away and forget that I ever existed. He puts his arms around me and I flinch away, flinging myself down on his grave. I can't let go Blade...I never will...

Star...please, this isn't easy for me either... His voice cracks, I look up. I haven't seen Ringo cry since...ever. My eyes change direction as though Blade's tombstone was magnetic north. 

Blade wouldn't want you to waste away like this Star, you haven't eaten anything for days!

I don't care why should you?

Ringo never raises his voice at me; the surprise must show through my eyes as they meet his. He breaks down again. I've just one of my best friends, don't make me lose another one! 

In everything green, I remember the intoxication of his eyes. In everything black, I remember the feel of his hair...black...like his grave; watching his body lowered down into the darkness, never to see the light of life again. In everything happy, I feel nothing...go away life, just go away and leave me alone. I hate the faces of the mourners, of how they say you were an honourable man...and you were I know you were; it's not what they talk of that angers me. I hate how they talk as if they knew you as well as I knew you; I hate pretentious people. I hate the way they talk of you, of how they make you sound like a man who demanded to stand on a pedestal for his bravery when he died; who wouldve revelled in his victory on his return home. I hate that they don't know that Fate spat on you, on your entire family. Did you feel any honour in your death Blade? Were you thinking of accolades, or glory? They talk of a myth! You were a quiet and humble man, not this arrogant and hedonistic man they talk of. 

_Went down in a blaze of glory..._

_A heroic end for such a hero..._

_He revelled in the bloodshed..._

_He longed to hear Darkon howl..._

_He'd have laughed as Darkon trembled at his knees..._

Glory. What is glorious about war? Hero. Yes, you were a hero, and always will be. Bloodshed. You'd cry yourself to sleep, knowing whose blood it was. Darkon. Who was Darkon? You saw your father die, so it wasn't him. It wasn't Katherine; your older brother's fianceé was Tekkaman Sword. Darkon. Who was Darkon? There's only one member of the Carter family that no one seemed to know about. Oh Blade, you wouldn't have laughed as you killed another brother. I saw what Sabre's death did to you...Blade...my poor Blade. 

What's this?

Just read it.

Ringo, tell me...

Just read the damn thing, Star. I stare at the letter Ringo gave me as he storms off. What's up with him? I sigh as I carefully open the envelope, staring at Blade's handwriting. I'm unaware of time moving swiftly around me, I'm frozen on Blade's final words to me. I'm unaware of the tears on my cheeks, nothing matters, except for his words. Oh Blade, we could've been so happy...

My love, your life was not in vain  
You left me a precious gift without even knowing,  
Your final gift, most precious gift;  
The promise of a better world, and your un-abiding love 

The days are spent listlessly on my behalf, meaning is lost, life means nothing. All I want is to be reunited with Blade again. I miss your tormented green eyes; eyes that shone with love. How your seldom smile would widen from nowhere; how I would labour to make you smile. I miss how your arms would wrap around me protectively; your way of saying I love you'. I miss all of you Blade, but now, perhaps you are at peace. 

Ringo's meaningless banter does nothing to help my despondency. The good will and cheer really sparks a light to a fuse - taught and ready to explode. Just when I think the explosives attached to the fuse are ready to blow, an unexpected bucket of water gets thrown in my face.

What do you mean you're late?

I mean, I'm late... He gulps and his eyes widen.

You mean...

Can you drive me?

On request, an Angel  
Offers me salvation;  
The one who grows within me  
Shall be my reason to fight on

Ringo turns the engine off and I step out, I turn back to look but his heads slumped on the steering wheel. I just couldn't believe it. It's so, uncanny. Here I thought my behaviour was from grief.

Are you going to spend all day looking at the sky? 

I was wondering if you were ever going to get out of the car. It's me who's going to give birth, what are you so worried about? The intensity of Ringo's glare makes my skin crawl; why should it bother him? He's not the one who's been throwing up every morning for the past three weeks. I'm the one who's going to get strange cravings for vegemite on ice-cream and honey on gherkins, not him. He's not going to get stretch marks or swollen ankles, backaches and labour pains. 

But then...he's won't be able to feel the wonder of creation, the wonder of new life growing inside him; to create something, give life to something. Oh Blade, if only you were here to witness the life you'd begun. You didn't leave me, did you? You're always going to be here, aren't you? As though he heard me, a warm breeze coiled its way through my hair, making me feel light and strangely, loved. I turned and followed the invisible breeze as a stream of leaves floated around me; I followed the breeze's tail that led up to the house. My house now. I caressed my waist that won't be as slim in the months to come. I long to feel the swelling of our child Blade; I can't wait to see him.

How can you be so sure it'll be a he', Star? 

He', Ringo? He blushed and looked away, only then did I realise I'd been talking to Blade out loud. It's my way of coping Ringo, it's as though he's around me, and I _feel _him around me. I haven't thought of the child as a he or a she. Perhaps it's my subconscious' way of telling me something.

All right, but what if it's a girl? I look away to the sunset; it won't be a girl. God in his infinite wisdom will give me a son, with black hair and passionate emerald eyes.

You're doing fine Miss Summers, just fine.

Well, this is fun hey Star?

SHUT UP RINGO! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE!! GET OUT!!! The pain, oh good Lord the pain! If this is the pain women felt when they died during childbirth, I can understand why! I will endure, I will see my child, my son, I know you will be my son...Blade's son. I can feel you here too, see what pain a night of passion can beget? 

You're laughing at a time like this?! Am I laughing? I didn't know. Blade, you're going to be a father...if only you were here to raise him with me...

Hey, I didn't mean that you couldn't laugh Star...don't cry, your almost finished! Just think of this as test of endurance...

Ringo, if you...don't shut...up...I'm...I'm...

The baby's crowning, one more push Miss Summers and then you'll hold your baby... 

Wow Star! I can see the baby's head! This is so cool!

Wanna trade places... 

That's it, just one more...

Keep it up Star, almost past the finish line now...

IT'S A BOY!

IT'S A BOY! I knew it, I just knew it. Oh Blade, look at him, isn't he perfect? Your black hair...your olive skin...

Star, he's beautiful... Ringo? What are you crying for? Oh look at him, screaming on my stomach, our son Blade, he has your temper! And your fighting spirit; they say we're wisest before we're born, he put up a good fight to see he stayed in his safe, protected world.

Congratulations Miss Summers, he appears in perfect health. Good to see you laughing. 

I'm sure he heard me, his eyes softened and his head nodded, but my voice was barely above a whisper. I'm mesmerised by this tiny (tiny??) wonder, this strong child that is my son. My hours of agonising pain are long forgotten as I cradle him in my arms, I'm amazed at the speed in which he stops crying. You know me, don't you baby? My beautiful, precious...

To watch him grow  
And learn to fight in this existence,  
Is my new role in life;  
The only purpose I shall serve

Momma, was Daddy a strong man? I giggle as my son scampers up the stairs from Ringo's car. The emeralds in his eyes sparkle as he stares at me intensely, anxiously awaiting my answer. As Ringo slams the doors shut, I cuddle my son into my lap as I sit down on the veranda. He nestles into my lap and I stroke his unruly black hair.

You're father was a very strong man, and very brave too. 

Stronger than Uncle Ringo? I watch Ringo carefully as he makes his way up the stairs quietly; his eyes turn away, as though ashamed to be looking at me. 

Why do you ask Nick?

He started his little head rose from my lap. My kindy teacher was talking about Daddy today, saying that she was saved from a big spidercrab, His eye widen to emphasise big spidercrab'. She said that Daddy picked the spidercrab up and threw it away. Then, she said, that he picked her up and flew her to her parents. 

He even pushed the Blue Earth when the thrusters didn't work. His eyes widen again into an excited, wow'. Then, his eyes shrink, his little face becoming troubled. What is it honey?

If Daddy was so strong, how come he died? I froze, and looked out to sea. How do you answer an answer like that? I don't know how long drifted off, but by the time Nick's small hands patted me back to consciousness, Ringo had gone inside.

I'm sorry Momma, I didn't mean to make you cry. His little eyes water and I feel terrible. I tighten my arms around him and rest his head against my chest. 

You didn't make Momma cry honey; I was just, What was I doing? Remembering. I was just remembering Daddy. He looks up at me and his mouth makes an o'. 

Hey Nick, I put three marshmallows in this time. Marshmallows were one way of putting a smile back on Nick's face.

WOW! THREE? His delighted squeals make my tears disappear and an amused smile appears. Thanks Uncle Ringo, you're the best! Nick, being an affectionate child throws his arms around Ringo...over an extra marshmallow. I'll have to remember the extra marshmallow when adolescence hits; the amazing healing power of hot chocolate and marshmallows.

Both Ringo and I watch as Nick runs about happily; his scruffy hair dances along the wind as his eyes dart around in childish wonder. He's an inquisitive child that rarely misses a thing; already he's been moved to advanced reading at his kindy. 

He's a cute kid. Ringo sighs.

You're biased, I chuckle. In the corner of my eyes, I see how intensely Ringo watches my son. Everyday, I notice how protective he is with Nick, how Nick's arms greet Ringo with affection; am I selfish to deny these two what they desire? Nick sees and loves Ringo as a father, and Ringo protects and loves Nick as his own son. I notice how Nick observes Ringo and I with puzzled eyes; he's trying to figure us out. He sees his classmates with their parents, how most of them are husband and wife. Ringo has made certain that Nick cares for him like a father, perhaps it's his sneaky way of seducing me. It might've worked, but for the fact that every time I look at my son, I'm reminded of a man I can never let go, or ever will. It is selfish of me, but I couldn't willingly go to Ringo when I know that every time he held me, I would be thinking of Blade; it wouldn't be fair to him. It's not that I don't look at him sometimes, when he's playing with Nick or just working around the house, that I don't weaken and yearn for an embrace; to not have these feelings would mean that I was not a woman, that I was not human. Sometimes I get so sick of being strong and dependable for everyone; it would be nice to depend on someone else. Don't think me cruel or insensitive, Ringo, I love you in my own special way; you're my best friend, and your friendship is as special as my son is. Nick, don't think me ignorant, I know you yearn for a father; you have one in Ringo, but I can never let him into my heart, I couldn't bear to betray Blade.

Alone, my son,   
The product of my union with my love  
Is my world;  
It is him, that I live and fight on for now.

As I walk through the corridors they salute me and speak with respect; I am the Space Knight Commander after all. I reach my office and my secretary glances at me with _that _glint in her eyes; I scowl and she jumps, returning back to her work. I throw the paper on my desk and pace about angrily; interfering bastards! Why can't they just leave me alone?! What's so interesting about me that they have to write about? Sordid nights, lustful engagements, SEX ABOARD THE BLUE EARTH?! Ungrateful bastards! I'm doing my job, seeing that we wont be as ill prepared as we were in what gives them the right to ruin my reputation by speculating and spreading rumours?! 

"Mom? Are you ok?" 

"Nick...how long have you been standing there for honey?"

"Long enough to see these..." My sweet son, how many nineteen-year-olds would comfort their mothers? 

"Mom, what is it? Is it the tabloids again...is it?" Such anger in those eyes; nostalgia kicks me square in the gut. Deja vu in those eyes, the same eyes, the same anger of his father's eyes. However the torment and tumultuous emerald storm clouds so evident in Blade's eyes are nowhere to be seen in Nick. Although, my own melancholy and wistful reflection does appear. 

"Nick, is there anything I could do that would make you happier?" 

"The occasional smile from my mother would certainly brighten my day a little more..." 

The Phoenix dies in a funeral pyre; from his ashes, his son is born, rising in glory. My sweet gentle son, no longer a child but a brilliant and confidant man, takes the mantle of Protector from his father. Radam returned, as I always knew they would and Nick rushed off to protect Earth. His armour, shone like Blade's did, the power that emanated from our son was truly awesome. As he battled with Radam, it was as though I was eighteen again, gawking in awe as a hero came down from Heaven and defended Earth. Ringo's sad yet proud eyes would always remind me that I was not watching Blade, but his son.

//To have a shield that can protect others is a weapon that you must choose to use. It is you alone who can make the final decision, but you must remember that your decisions carry the burden of consequence. Do you use the weapon that can protect the lives of others, or do you choose not to use it?//

/Why would you choose not to use it? Who wouldn't use a weapon that would save the lives of others, Mom? What possible consequence could saving the lives of countless others have, by using the weapon?/

//It comes down to whether or not you can live with the burden of your actions. Some actions whilst noble, demand the ultimate price. A price your father never questioned, yet the effects of his decision are felt by others years later. It is situations such as these that you must be aware of...//

/So, you don't mind that I was suspended, almost expelled this time? You're not disappointed in me?/

//I could never be disappointed you, Nick. You did what you thought was right, I'm proud of that and will defend your decision.//

How my own words come back to haunt me. I stand back and watch my son as he lies in his hospital bed. My baby, you haven't been in hospital since you were a boy; you look as vulnerable and as helpless as the day you were born. The pencil in my finger snaps and I glare back at my reflection. How stupid of me to let him fight, I should never have let him join the Space Knights! 

As I take my seat, Yumi starts whining, Anita, Goliate and Hayato arguing with Ringo to go out and fight. Through all the screaming and raised voices, two of my most vocal Space Knights hold their tongues; David rarely has nothing to say, but it's Natasha's silent forlorn eyes that make me rise from my chair. I place my hand on her shoulder and she starts babbling incoherently.

Come Natasha, I'm sure he'll want to hear your voice. Her head keeps shaking from her sobs as it moves from my shoulder to look at me, taking only a second to realise my meaning. Without a word she follows me from the suddenly silent room to my son's private hospital room. Once we reach there I stand back and watch as she trembles by his bedside, holding onto his hand. Behind me, Yumi sniffles and I look at her surprised that she was there. I feel the weight of Ringo's eyes on my back and I turn around. 

There's always a man lying on a hospital bed, with a woman at his bedside. Then, there's the one who always stands on the outside, looking at them wishing, that it was he in the room.

You mean, His eyes narrow and look away painfully.

Yeah, that's what I mean. He grumbles and storms out of the room.

My son stood so proudly as he waited for his bride to join him at the alter; his Russian firebird. Natasha, I liked instantly; we hit it off from the word go. Brave, strong willed and determined, qualities I admire. Such a contrast from the blond puppy that followed Nick around helplessly. As I was there the day my son pronounced his vows, so too was I the day my granddaughters were born. Oh Blade, such beautiful girls, twins, if you could believe it. Nick held both daughters in his arms proudly as Natasha wept happily, beaming as he announced their names; Shara and Miisha Carter. I bawled as he announced Shara's name, I couldn't help but think of how proud you'd have been of your son. 

Love does come in many forms Blade. When you died, and left me alone, I thought I'd feel loved again. But you gave me a reason to fight on, didn't you?

With Nick and Natasha out with the girls, I spent my time at home looking out from the veranda. During the day, I'd watch as the sun glistened and made the ocean look like a giant sapphire. At night, I'd listen to the sounds of the waves lapping at the shores, feeling the cool breezes against my face. It was a soothing, yet disconcerting time for me. At forty-seven, my life felt like it was over: my son was an adult and had babies of his own; Radam was basically defeated, and my work was spent debating with the military. There was nothing constructive for me to do now; it was as though I'd lived my life, and now I was left to contemplate a life over. Not one day went by that I didn't think about Blade; what was it about him that made me feel so strongly about him? It's almost three decades since he died, and I still think of myself as spoken for. What was it I saw in his eyes, that touched me so deeply? What did his soul whisper to mine that I couldn't hear now?

The breeze rustles through my hair and I close my eyes; you're still here, aren't you Blade? Behind me, a deck board squeaked and I turned slowly, fooling myself into thinking it was Blade. Instead of green eyes, my eyes met with blue. Instead of black hair, gold hair shone in the moonlight. He drifted towards me as though he were a ghost.

You still can't let him go, can you? I sighed. I looked at him as his shoulders slumped over the railings; his voice was flat and defeated. I've known you all these years, stood by you through thick and thin. Ive been a father to Nick, I think of him as my son...

And I will always love you for it Ringo.

Your definition and mine differ. Star, I've known and loved you for years, practically since we met. One man comes, spends a year or two with you, and your hearts taken. Why wasnt it me? Me whod been there for you; Blade died twenty-eight years ago tomorrow, won't you let him go? His eyes welled with emotion and a yearning I'd never felt for years sung loudly. My brave arrogant friend cried of an unrequited love; how could I have hurt him so much? I've ignored my friend, my best friend...

I never meant to hurt you Ringo. You're my best friend, and in my own special way, I do love you. Why don't I ever show it? I'm a coward. He raises his eyebrow.

You? Star Summers, a coward? I thought for a second then continued.

Why have you never married one of your women?

Because I love you, damn it! How could I ever promise myself to a woman; pretending to love her, saying it's her I love, that she's the only one I think of, when I know it's a lie? My silence gave Ringo his answer and stared at me with tears of frustration running down his face. All I could do was hold him; his arms went around me hungrily, like a man starved. I knew Ringo hadn't lived a Monk's life, he had women begging at the door daily to make them wives, to give them children. Above us, the stars shone and gave light to Ringo's tears; I'd never felt so guilty in my life as I did at that moment. 

Something inside me crumbled, and after years of yearning, after years of avoiding this unspoken endearment, I turned my lips to my best friend and embraced him as a lover. A flame that had been extinguished when Blade died reignited as the night wore on. When it was all over, both Ringo and I had tears in our eyes, and no words could express the moment. All thought had been erased from my mind as I lay there in his arms, and slept a blissful sleep. 

Then somewhere in the night, I jolted awake, without rhyme or reason. I felt something in my bones, my senses screamed of a dangerous presence. Ringo stirred and turned over. I kissed his cheek and ran out the door, not bothering to look behind me as I rushed on to battle a deadly foe.

Nick's worried face dances above me, even Ringo lends a worried face - my sweet son, my best friend. Ringo, I'm sorry it took me so long to give you what you wanted, but that's the thing about life, it revels in kicking you when the going gets good. There's nothing I do now but say I'm happy with the way I lived my life. Oh Nick, I wish I could see the birth of your new baby...I'm sorry, I won't be there... 

I feel pain and my vision's getting strange - my son starts to panic. I can feel the intense speed increase - it's not going to do any good. I've done it this time, gone past my limit. At least final threat to my son and the future has been annihilated, but at what cost...oh...what's the point? What's done is done, and I will pay for my actions. 

The doctors know it is hopeless, but they still try to help me live. My son urges them with his fiery temper; but my strength is gone. I've lived through the greatest pain, I lived to see my son grow to be the man he is, and I lived to see the birth of my granddaughters. I wish I could live to see them grow...

"MOM! STAY WITH US! DON'T GO NOW! NOT NOW...PLEASE! I STILL NEED YOU!"

I smile at my distraught son, and try to wipe away his tears. It was my carelessness that got me here, thinking about Blade - twenty-eight years ago today, I was distracted; I never noticed Dead's dying blow in his final moments. My poor son had to find me bleeding on the battleground...

"Mom, please..."

"Shh honey...don't cry..."

"Mom..."

Listen to me Nick, I speak slowly; I don't have much breath left in me. "You have made me so proud. With everything you've done, and everything you will do, I'm proud of you..."

My ears are ringing from all the beeping noises; the monitors are going crazy. It's hard to keep my eyes open. My hand falls limp, what a strange sensation to have no control over your body. My stare glues to the faces of Nick and Ringo, silently praying they'll forgive me for leaving so early. I try to say this when I see someone behind Nick; a figure about Nick's height, surrounded by a beautiful light. 

I get up from the bed, surprised at how light I feel. I touch Nick's face but he's shaking uncontrollably; there's nothing I can do for him now, my poor little boy. I turn my attention back to the stranger who lifts his head. He smiles, and reaches out to me with his hand; I take it in my own. After twenty-eight years of waiting, he stands here with me, bathed in white light. Green eyes look into my own and a brilliant smile graces his lips...

"I've been waiting for you...what took you so long?"

_«Owari»_


End file.
